Cigarettes and Rosary Beads
by sp8d8rm8m
Summary: Imagine if the words we always wanted to speak, finally got spoken; and the memories we had, finally got shared.  MattMello, warnings inside.
1. Cigarettes

**DeathNote, MattMello. Written from Matts pov. Check out Rosary Beads for Mellos pov :) Hope you enjoy it.**

**Warnings: **  
><strong>(Implied) character death.<strong>

* * *

><p>I never meant to fall in love with him. But, it wasn't a mistake either. I guess he's like a cigarette. You have one, and then you get addicted. It spreads through your body until you get to the point where you'd do anything for one. The sad part is that they're gonna shorten your lifespan. Or kill you. One of the two.<p>

It's funny, 'cause I kind of saw it coming. Each night I'd lie in bed with the thought of seeing him again in the morning; his eyes heavy-lidded and his hair all messy. It made my heart race – like boss levels. But better. And each night I'd find myself thinking of him more and more... Until I realised what was happening.

That bastard made me _love_ him.

Suddenly the everyday things he did that used to mean nothing to me started to mean everything. If he couldn't find the toothpaste on a morning he'd wander out of the bathroom topless. Didn't bother me before. It was the same with the leather. His tight ass all wrapped up in a dead cow like a present. that was nice. Especially when he bent down to get the toothpaste from under the table.

Yeah – I hid it there.

Then there was that other time that I can remember very clearly. He'd got ill and I'd cared and nursed him; feeding him chocolate, even though that probably made him feel worse. Not like he cared though. No illness was ever going to make him not want to eat chocolate.

Unfortunately he got better quickly, and I found myself without a 'thank you'. Oh well. To be honest, I didn't expect one. Not like I really needed one anyway. Just by letting me fuss over him was thanks enough. I guess it kinda hurt, not being appreciated by him. But then again he won't let himself show weakness - or kindness for that matter. He was tired of being weak.

When that year's winter rolled around, I locked him outside in the snow - hoping he'd catch a cold so I could nurse him again. Selfish, I know. But that was the only way I could get close to him. Sadly video games don't teach you much about real life. It'd be good if they did though.

Of course, I wasn't stupid. I knew I had to keep my mouth shut. The last thing I wanted for him was to feel awkward with me. And anyway, I was content in loving him without him knowing. He never suspected a thing. But now, I regret not telling him. I regret not giving what could have happened a chance. Cause I realise I was never content in loving him from the sidelines. I always wanted more. I always wanted to be more than just friends. I just hadn't seen it before.

All the things we could have done... I could have hugged him. Kissed him even. I see now that loving him from the sideline was never enough. And it never will be now. It's too late.

All this pain in my body has opened my eyes. It's a great shame that it's time to shut them for good. I didn't even get a chance to tell him I loved him.

He's definitely like a cigarette. So I'll spend my last breath smoking him.

_I knew he was gonna kill me._


	2. Rosary Beads

I fell in love with you. With another man. I always thought it was wrong, and sinful... But it's a shame that my eyes opened, just as yours had to close forever.

The walk up to where you sleep is long and tiring. The fact that your nerdy friend's gazes are burning into my back really doesn't help.

And then there's you. You look so ill and pale. Then again- you're a gamer so you've always been pale. But you've never been this cold before. You were always a very warm person. I can't remember when you've ever been cold.

I seem to have no control over my fingers as they stroke your cheek. It's so soft and smooth. You always did take care of your skin. Even when you were small you used to use the girls' moisturiser. They used to tease you, but you said that women would like your soft skin when you were older.

It's then when my eyes fall to your chest. It's cleaner than I remember. The blood stains are all gone. How unfair though – even though I watch and wait, your chest no longer rises with life.

I'd found myself loving you for a long time. I remember lying awake at night with my mind full of thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking. Most of them containing you. I couldn't wait to see you in the morning – with your hair all messy and dark circles under your eyes. I always thought you looked cute like that.

But I'm not stupid. I'm the mafia-gang boss. I know how people think. And I wasn't going to endanger our friendship by telling you that I'm gay for you. And anyway, if _they _found out that their leader was gay for his nerdy little friend…

Well, I don't even want to think about that. Besides, I was content in loving you from the sidelines.

But now I realise that part of me wanted to tell you that I loved you. I still do. But I won't get a chance to tell you now.

I wish it was the other way around. Not you. Not an angel like you.

You should be at home, playing your Gameboy and smoking your cancer-sticks. You shouldn't be here.

Oh, that reminds me. I got you these. You liked to smoke. So I'll put these in your pocket where you'll be able to reach them easily. And I brought your Gameboy from home. You wouldn't want to leave without that, would you?

It's then that I notice to drops of water on your cheeks. Being the blonde I am, I look up to see if it's raining –forgetting that we're inside a Church.

I told myself I wouldn't cry.

Your nerdy friends must be wondering why I'm still standing over you. So I'll end now and let you go…

Oh, but before I go, there was one last thing I wanted to give you. I'm brave enough now. And this is my last chance – so I'll regret it if I don't.

They're cold, but still soft. A part of me expects you to push me away; but you don't. I can taste the blood. It's bitter and it burns my lips like acid. Why don't you kiss me back?

I've wanted to do that for a long time. I wish that I'd told you before. I realise now that loving you from the sidelines was never enough. As I stand here I think back on all the good times we had; all those mornings when you'd been heavy-lidded and messy haired. I wish I'd said something - because now it's like poison. It's killing me slowly to see someone I hold so dear to me in a small wooden box.

I've this planned for ages. From the moment I told you I was the Mafia boss, and that if you wanted to work with me you'd be in constant danger of dying. I remember that you smiled and said that you couldn't let a _girl_ do such dangerous work without a man to protect her. I hit you.

I know the last thing you'd want is for me to do this. But I know that you wouldn't want me to suffer either. So, this is okay with you? You won't mind, right?

I can hear your friends screaming as I pull it out. They think that I'll kill them. That's not my intention. It never was. They've done nothing to me.

In one hand are my Rosary Beads, sliding trough my fingers as I whisper my last prayer. In my other hand is the devil.

I've planned it so that the last sound I hear will be the gunshot, and my beads falling to the floor.

_"Protinus te videre, Angelus."_


End file.
